Dedication
by The Lefty Matt
Summary: Rated T just to be safe.


Mello, it's been such a long time since you left. About seven months, actually. I know you'll never read this but I need to get it all out. I've been hiding my emotions again so it was only a matter of time until they flooded out. Mello, I miss you. You left so unexpectedly. Will you come back the same way? I know you'll come back, but it's so hard waiting for something I want to happen already. Kind of like a surprise party. Just be safe, okay? Wherever you are and whatever you're doing, just promise me you'll stay safe. Crap, now it feels like you're reading this as I write each sentence down. I guess that means that you're still a part of me. You always were, you know. You were everything I needed. And everything I wanted. You helped me tremendously when I came here. No one else seemed to care; their indifferent gazes didn't help the insecurity. After all, when you're a survivor of a family suicide how are you supposed to feel? Anyway, the thing is Mel, you were the only one who _cared_ and _understood._ You were (and still are) everything to me. You were my family, my friend and my protector. You make each day worth living. I know that I screw up a lot; after all, I am only human and a pretty pathetic specimen when it comes to that. But you constantly accepted my failures and told me I'd get it right one day.

I wish, I wish the words written here could truly express what I'm feeling. The pain and happiness, this bitter sweetness is everything now. Until I see you again, it will continue to be my everything. This feeling, it replaced the empty spot you left gaping when you disappeared. The cavity that used to embrace my heart.

I know why you did, though. You had to go, didn't you? Otherwise, you wouldn't be yourself. You're always trying to better yourself, to prove yourself to the world. I know that this is the way you are, and that's why I stood by you. After all, every hero needs a sidekick, don't they? So you'll eventually come back and rescue me, right? Come back and take me away from this now lonely place. It only serves to remind me of happier days now. Like the times we spent lying on the grass, talking about unimportant matters. Or the times you beat up the bullies who picked on me, telling me I wasn't alone anymore. Or all the times you'd walk into the cafeteria, nearly asleep, with a half-eaten chocolate bar in your hand. Or when you'd wake me up after an all-nighter of videogames, pulling me along to our class. Precious memories, tinged with pain.

Don't regret leaving me here. Honestly, I'll be fine. You know me; I can take a good amount of pain. Do what you need to do, alright? Whether I'm with you isn't the most important thing, right? My presence won't help you accomplish your goal. I don't want you to be me if you'll only be miserable and think of what you could have been without me. I want your happiness, whether it means being near me or not. I don't want to be your burden; a useless object you're dragging around because of pity. If you need me, if you want me, fine; I'm yours for the taking. I offer myself to you, what happens to me is completely up to you. I am nothing if I'm not somehow helping you. Without you, I'd be incomplete, an empty vessel. I'm nobody without you. Maybe that's why I admire you greatly. You're independent, strong, charismatic… There are no words that completely describe you. You're everything I yearn to be and, ironically, exactly what I'll never be. We're completely different. Where people look towards you, they look away from me.

And maybe that's why I love you so much.

You are all I have ever needed.

At least I know that will remain static. You'll always be the boy that saved me, my violent blonde knight in shiny black leathery armor; a hardened heart that softened for me.

The love of my life, and my best friend.

Some bonds can never be broken. I'd like to think that applies to us. I guess that too, is up to you. God knows I don't deserve it.

I took advantage of our time together. Before I met you, I had tried to stay aloof to all. I didn't want to feel the pain of betrayal again. After all, if my family was willing to hurt me, how far would strangers go? Maybe this was foolish, but it sheltered me. I tried to focus only on my superiors, yet it never felt right. I started developing this fear that they also would get sick of my presence, keeping me only because it was required. So I tried to prevent that day from ever coming; the day when the skies would open up and the angels would make mockery of my thinking I was actually wanted or needed by anyone. I let the wound fester, bringing paranoia and depression instead of a scab or pus. For a while I thought that I really wasn't wanted. How silly of me, once you came along, I never realized that you were always there, waiting for the moment that my smile would falter after failing to make the canon set for me. I never saw your true beauty nor the angel you truly were until it was too late. I unknowingly pushed your feelings aside, unintentionally deeming them 'unimportant'.

I can't forgive myself for that; you are my truest friend and probably the only person I'll love in this fashion. Yet I treated second-class. But it has changed. Not because of the guilt I feel, but how necessary you are to my weak heart.

I'm so happy; after all I know the exact reason why I function now. However, sadness hangs over me; an umbrella blocking the warm refreshing rain droplets of happiness from washing over me.

The reason is you. But you are gone. So I vow to wait, right here, until you come back.

-~-  
This is actually a birthday gift for my Mello. I don't really care if you comment or not. I know it's shitty, get the hell over it.  
Matty


End file.
